I Profess that I Love to Confess!

By , SparkPeople Blogger
Over the past year, I've written more than 100 blogs for dailySpark and have enjoyed every minute of it! Out of these hundreds of posts, I have many favorites, but only a few stand out as important and personal: my confessions. Through these cathartic posts, I've disclosed my weight, my fear of bathing suits, my body image struggles and even my embarrassing failures with all of our readers. In turn, you've shared with me some of the most supportive, encouraging and helpful advice I've ever received from anyone—let alone complete strangers! Today I am going to reflect on the confessions that had the biggest impact on our readers—and me.

Before I became a fitness professional, exercise was a hobby of mine, even when I was miserable and overweight in college. I devoured all the different fitness magazines, looking for the keys to achieving my "dream body." I looked at the models, the fitness experts, the celebrities—and I wanted to be like them. I learned what they ate, how they worked out and how much they weighed, and I tried to emulate them by putting all these little tips and tricks together into the "perfect" exercise and eating plan. It took me several years to realize that none of that really helped me, because I was never going to be just like them. For years I struggled with trying to change myself, to lose more weight, to become more toned, to stop eating sugar, carbs, junk foods, or whatever—and all it did was help me to develop disordered eating and exercise habits and a negative perception of my body. Luckily, I've moved on from most of this and discovered a healthy relationship with food and fitness. In short, I got my life back.

When I started this confession series, my intention was to help others in a way that all those books and articles were never able to help me. I never want people to look for inspiration in all the wrong places (as I did). It led me to so much struggle, self-doubt and disappointment. I wanted YOU to know that you are normal and you don't NEED to change or be like someone else. I wanted people to see that you don't have to go to extremes, that you don't have to be perfect, and that you're not alone in the struggles you have with your body or motivation. Most fitness experts look super fit, and most have to spend serious time in the gym—and careful attention to their diets—in order to stay there. But that just isn't realistic for the rest of us, not even for me. That's why I posted I Don't Have a 6 Pack, because I wanted to dispel the myth that every fitness professional has the perfect fit body or that ripped abs are the true sign of fitness.

Not only that, but I have also struggled with weight gain, obsessive overeating, and the difficulty of accepting my body and challenges of losing the weight slowly...very slowly. I wanted our readers to know that I understand where they are and where they're coming from, so I admitted to my 40-pound weight gain in college in I Gained the Freshman 40. When I was overweight, I was at the height of my disordered eating patterns, compulsively overeating to stuff down all my feelings and fears with food. I was so obsessed with food, my next meal, my next diet or cleanse or detox, and my crazy plans to burn it all off with insane amounts of cardio, that these thoughts consumed me at all times. I think a lot of people have these obsessive thoughts, especially women. But it's no way to live. When I wrote this entry, I wanted you to know that you CAN come out of those patterns and learn to have a normal outlook about food and exercise. I did it and you can, too!

Next, I shared my weight in the post This is How Much I Weigh. I was so sick of seeing actors who weigh 115 pounds and fitness experts who don’t weigh much more. These weights are NOT healthy for everyone, yet they give women ideas like, "I should weigh 120 pounds" for no reason other than the fact that our culture glorifies bodies that size. But you cannot expect to weigh what other people do; we are all different in our shapes and sizes. I have weighed "a lot" by these standards my whole life, and as a teenager, I thought it meant I was "fat." I shared my weight to prove that weight is just that—nothing too important and certainly not anything to be ashamed about. You can't tell by looking at someone what he or she might weigh. And if you weigh more than 140, 160, 180, 200, or any number of pounds—you can still be fit, healthy and happy! I wanted women to stop obsessing with the scale and start focusing on things that truly matter.

Three of my posts, I Don't Change in the Locker Room, I Won't Wear a Bathing Suit in Public, and I Have Cellulite and I Won't be Ashamed Anymore dealt with my own body image issues and my fear that other people are judging me when they see my body. I think a lot of women feel the way that I do, which is why I wrote these. But I have to be honest. A BIG reason why I wrote the bathing suit and cellulite posts was that I did NOT have the strength to accept myself and wear a bathing suit, not even after writing that post! I kept telling myself "This will be the day/week/month/year" that I start wearing one, and then summers would go by and I'd miss out on the fun. The comments on that post were some of the most encouraging comments I ever read, and I'm happy to say that, a couple weeks ago, I wore my bathing suit first time in eight years! That was largely because I made my goal public and got encouragement from our positive community—both of which held me accountable to my promise. Before I left for the pool party, I read the comments on my "Cellulite" post to psych myself up for it. I'm so glad I did it, and I have YOU to thank!

In May, I shared the story A Lesson in Failure, How I Picked Myself Up. Although it exactly a "confession" post the way these others were, I view it as one. I don't like to admit when I fail and I do like to be good at everything. (I'm a bit of a Type A personality, I guess you could say.) I was so embarrassed by the event leading up to that post, but I knew that by sharing it, it could inspire others to keep going—including myself. I had the idea for that blog after I failed and it was in my mind when I went to re-test. I knew I had to succeed so that I could share the story with everyone and have a happy ending. Wanting to share my story with others really helped me to succeed! Plus, we can all use a lesson in picking ourselves up from time to time! It was a proud moment and I was happy to share it with our readers!

And last, but certainly not least, my post I May Not Look Perfect but I'm Still Fit and Healthy was one of my favorite posts to write. I won't lie; I was mad as hell when I read that negative comment about the workout DVDs I created to help others. I used that anger to write what became one of the most popular and widely discussed dailySpark posts of the year (nearly 1,500 comments to date as I write this). I was completely overwhelmed by the positive outpouring of support when I wrote that post. And believe it or not, I read EVERY SINGLE COMMENT. What our readers had to say in response was so positive and encouraging. It just goes to show that SparkPeople has the most positive community out there—one that I am thrilled to be a part of.

I really am not as strong and confident as I may appear. Mostly, these confessions help me to process how I feel in hopes of becoming the better, more confident person that I project—someone who isn't bothered by her cellulite or how she looks in a bathing suit. I think we all need a little more help on those fronts. I'm not there yet, but I think we can all get there together by helping each other! And I'm definitely getting closer thanks to the wisdom and inspiration I get from your comments every day! Like an honest and emotional journal entry, these confessions have helped me grow as a person. They help me get things off my chest that I needed to explore and I hope they helped YOU find REAL inspiration, too.

If you don't already journal or blog on your own healthy lifestyle journey, I want to encourage you to do so. The process will help you find solutions and ideas, and when you make it public--you just never know who else you might help along the way.