So, your lifestyle makeover is coming along nicely. You’ve established a good working relationship with your Inner Cookie Monster, and discovered your Inner Athlete. Your fitness is improving steadily, your weight is going down, and you’re feeling pretty good about the way things are going. Except for one thing. Your new lifestyle seems to be generating some conflicts with significant others in your life. Maybe someone is feeling neglected because your daily workout is getting in the way of your cuddling on the couch time. Maybe you’ve been hoping that some of your healthy new habits would rub off on your significant other, but that’s just not happening. Or your friends are giving you a bad time (or a cold shoulder) because you’ve stopped playing by the old rules all of a sudden. Maybe these problems have already gotten more serious. You’re starting to feel like others are actually out to sabotage your efforts, or your significant other is seriously wondering whether all these changes mean you’re not going to be satisfied with him/her anymore, and might start looking for another relationship. Maybe you’re wondering about that yourself. What do you do when problems like this come up? Unfortunately, these are all pretty common problems when one person in a relationship starts making healthy changes that others aren’t so eager to make for themselves. In fact, many experts who study the process of making “therapeutic lifestyle changes” believe that finding a personally acceptable way to handle and get beyond these kinds of conflict is crucial to success. The bad news here is that there really isn’t any simple formula or technique for handling these problems, or a single answer that will work for everyone. You know in theory that you have to “do what’s right for yourself,” but it’s just not always clear what that right thing is when healthy change leads to conflicts in your relationships with other people. Every situation and relationship is unique. There are a few basic things you can do to minimize problems, like making sure you “check in” frequently with the other people involved, to tell them how you’re feeling and find out what’s going on for them. The worst thing in the world you can do is assume you know what’s going on for the other person, and why they’re acting the way they are–or that they understand what’s going on in your head. Never assume that if someone else doesn’t change their behavior to make things easier for you, it means they don’t care, or that they’re trying to sabotage you. Maybe they don't know how hard it is for you to cope because you haven't told them, or they have their own reasons for not changing their behavior. Wrong assumptions and misinterpretations flourish in the silence between people, and that can cause all kinds of trouble. The best way to avoid making lifestyle clashes larger and more disruptive than they need to be is to communicate regularly and honestly, so that realistic expectations and understandings can be negotiated. If you’re not getting the support you need from your current partners and friends, make sure you do get some from others who are working the same things you’re trying to do. That can take a lot of pressure off your other relationships. There are also some basic things you should probably avoid. Like making it your job to persuade your significant other or your friends that they should change their lifestyle, too, for their own good. That just doesn’t work, and is almost guaranteed to make conflicts worse. But, beyond these general tips, it doesn’t seem like there are many “one-size-fits-all” approaches to handling lifestyle clashes when they come up. But that doesn't mean you're on your own. Lots of people have been down this road, or are going down it now. Sharing your experiences and questions can be a great source of info and support. What experiences have you had with this problem? Have you found any good ways to handle it? |
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