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By Beth Donovan, ~INDYGIRL I still remember my very last night of work before I went on total disability. It was much like the seemingly endless sea of nights before, except this time I knew in my heart I couldn’t go back. Sitting at my desk hurt so much because of my degenerating spine. My discs were herniated, my nerve bundles were pinched, and I had four hernias, suffered from fibromyalgia, and could barely walk, let alone drive. It was hard to concentrate on my work, because all I could think about was the pain. At the time, I weighed 460 pounds and barely fit behind the steering wheel of my car, which pushed on my hernias as I drove home in tears. In September, after four years, I went back to work for the same company, now 139 pounds thinner. (That's my latest photo!) I still have many of the same issues, but they are easier to deal with because of my weight loss and medical assistance. It wasn’t an easy decision or an easy road to get here. It took one hearing for the judge to find me disabled, and all of the official doctors only found more wrong with me than my doctors had found originally. I felt every visit to the doctor was an adventure in “Welcome to your new life! You now have _____ and it will never improve, but it will get worse over time.” Every doctor I saw urged me to have weight loss surgery, but I didn’t want it. I told them that I felt sick enough already and if anything else were to go wrong, I didn’t know if I could handle it. I agreed to attend a few weight loss surgery meetings at the local hospital, where I became certain that weight loss surgery was not the cure for me. It is stomach surgery, not brain surgery. I am an emotional eater. The other emotional eaters there, who were post surgery, were no better off and complaining of being hungry after eating and having the same difficulties I was having. It became clear, that even after surgery, a diet had to be strictly followed, even more strictly than I had ever followed one before. A person could still want to eat after they were full and a person could still choose to eat the wrong foods and gain their weight back. Since I was already in the boat of needing to diet and cope with my emotions, I decided I would do it without the surgery. Doctors refused to treat my degenerative spine, my herniated discs, and perform other needed surgeries because of my weight. Apparently the only surgery they would do is weight loss surgery. Even then, they wanted to question whether I had the discipline to endure the plan. I had to be willing to help myself to get out of my then bedridden state and reclaim my life. I wasn’t sure I had what it took, to tell you the truth. I have been dieting since I was a child, and I have never lost this kind of weight before. I’ve gone to many weight loss clinics and through many programs, bought all the latest books, taken the prescriptions, and still no long-term success or massive weight loss. My husband was sure I couldn’t do it and was very angry with me that I would not have the weight loss surgery, that he was sure would save my life. I needed a plan I could do from home, since I could barely get out of bed. I turned to my computer and found SparkPeople. Usually a fitness plan would start out with me jumping in with both feet and all ablaze for thinness until one failure. Then I would lie on the proverbial floor berating myself and telling myself that I knew I couldn’t do it. This time started out differently though. I started by changing one thing with a SparkStreak. Then I changed one more in about a month when the first felt natural. I kept doing this until both the weight was falling off and my life was changing. I started to dream again. I had hope again after reading the book “The Spark” by Chris Downie. I realized that I had been selling myself too short and was capable of so much more. Then and there I decided that one day soon, I would go back to work part time. Eventually my goal is to have a full time career in customer service again. I love working with people on the phone. I’ve now made it back to part time work with my company. They wanted me back. The rest is just a matter of time and keeping my dreams alive. It was scary deciding to go back to work. Could I do it? What about the pain? What if I can’t walk? What if I fall? Well, I did fall, my second day on the job. I couldn’t feel my legs and went down in the parking lot alone. I crawled between the cars and managed to hoist myself up using a car and my cane. Then I went inside and asked for a first aid kit and went on with my shift. I was in a lot of pain; I ended up going to the doctor with soft tissue damage. It actually is going to require a fourth visit and a specialist, because of the extent of my injuries. The point is two of my worse case scenarios happened and I dealt with them: I fell. The heavy duty pain came. I still worked my shift. This job was an achievement, a trophy for me and nothing would take that away. If you have a dream, think of ways to make it happen. Take the baby steps needed to get there. It may take years, but it is very worth while. Baby steps give you time to stop and smell the roses along the way and adjust to the new life you are building. It isn’t easy creating a new life for yourself, so be kind to yourself like you would a good friend. Dream big, step small, and keep going. What dreams have you achieved since losing weight and improving your health? |
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