A Festivus for the rest of us. That's all Frank Costanza wanted when the doll he was going to gift to his son was viciously ripped from his hands by a fellow shopper that fateful Christmas.
via GIPHY For the uninitiated, Festivus is an alternative holiday, brought to us by the weird and wonderful world of "Seinfeld." Fed up and frustrated with the commercialism that goes hand-in-hand with Christmas, Frank Costanza decides to create a new holiday, one centered around an aluminum pole and activities like the "feats of strength" and, my personal favorite, the "airing of grievances." In the spirit of the season, this month we're airing out all our health and fitness grievances, just as Frank would want us to do.
Don't get me wrong—there are plenty of things I absolutely love about living that healthy life. The extra boost of energy, that triumphant feeling you get when you're able to shoulder press five more pounds than you could three months ago, going to the store sweaty and feeling like a freaking champion, all the chickpeas, mastering Eagle pose and finding a super easy three-ingredient salad dressing on Pinterest that you make at home all the time now are all nice benefits, great even. But sometimes getting fit and eating healthy can be frustrating. The pros so outweigh the cons, but on this festive month of Festivus, it seemed like a good time to just put it all out there. I've got a lot of problems with you, healthy living! And now, you're going to hear about it.
Smile: The Airing of Health and Fitness Grievances - When your hair tie is finally stretched out enough to go around your ponytail four times to keep it secure…and then it snaps.
- That person who never, ever, ever wipes down the leg press machine.
- Thinking you finally picked the perfect avocado, only to cut it open and find a brown, barren wasteland inside.
- Fitness instructors who count down from 10 on your last set of crunches, but do the old "…four, three, two, two , two , two, two, one" so you end up doing way more crunches and then you cry every time you laugh for the next two days.
- Blisters.
- When you think about trying Whole 30 but then get invited to six birthday parties, two weddings and a cookie exchange all in the next 30 days.
- Forgetting your headband and having every single flyaway hit you in the eye.
- Sunglasses that fog up the second you get in the car after a hot studio class.
- When you're lying face down for Supermans in a fitness class and you have to blow a hair ball away from your mat.
- Black leggings that are so adorable in the store, but become completely transparent the minute you drop your first squat.
- Accidentally replying "You too!" when the person at the front desk says "Enjoy your workout."
- Finishing your workout and feeling like you could actually eat an entire cow and still have dessert after.
- Anyone who doesn’t re-rack their dumbbells. Really.
- Doughnuts, for smelling so delicious and being so perfect and making me want them every single morning, noon and night.
- When you finally find the perfect sports bra, and go back to buy 10 more but they're sold out and they're not restocking that style any longer.
- Overcooked quinoa.
- Capri legging tan lines from logging all those miles on the trail or bike this summer.
- Being punished for hitting your water intake goal with constant bathroom trips.
- The love/hate relationship you have with leg day.
- All the chafing.
- When you go to Bikram for the first time and discover that, hey, you have sweat glands on your calves. Who knew?
- Getting stuck in a Cirque-du-Soleil-contorted pose trying to get your soaking wet T-shirt off your soaking wet body.
- Spin instructors who never break a sweat. How do you do that? What sorcery is this?!
- Having to do all the math to double or triple recipes while meal planning.
- Those days when you eat super healthy literally all day until 7 p.m. and then you decide to eat just one chip, but before you know it all the chips are gone and you're pulling the ice cream out of the freezer.
- Forgetting to rub the dry shampoo into your head after a lunchtime workout and looking like you spilled powdered sugar all up in your scalp.
- Headbands so tight they give you a headache.
- The serving size for peanut butter.
- Trying to spit after a tough workout and ending up with saliva running down your chin.
- That person who violates the every-other-treadmill rule in a room full of empty treadmills.
- When you decide to go hard on abs at home on a Monday, then go to your Tuesday studio class where—surprise!—it's abs day.
- Blistered hands after kettlebell class.
- Sweat that drops in your eye, causing you to curse at your eyebrows for not doing their one job.
- Running out of Tupperware when you're meal planning for the week ahead.
- Trainers who encourage you to squat just a little bit lower, just an inch, one tiny inch lower, little tiny inch lower, completely ignoring the fact that every muscle in your leg is already shaking out of control.
- My smoke detector, for obnoxiously alerting all my neighbors that I am trying to cook a chicken breast.
- Slippery hands pulling you out of your perfect downward facing dog form.
- Committing to swim every weekday morning and smelling like chlorine all day, every day no matter how many times you shower.
- When you're right in the middle of a sprint on the treadmill and the slowest, most romantic, most mellow song comes on, ruining your momentum but you're running too fast to change the song without falling flat on your face.
- That time I swallowed a bug running. Insult, meet injury.
Sound off in the comments below with your own grievances. It's cathartic. You'll feel better getting it off your chest. Trust me. Tomorrow we go back to loving it all or at least grinning and baring it until we achieve all our fitness and dieting dreams.
The feats of strength will commence at a later date.
Every month The Go Get It Guide is your destination for motivation, musings on random goals and probably pop culture references. It's a space where we'll sort through the PR pitches and news, then share our honest thoughts on what's happening in the health and fitness world, what's on the horizon and just what we think of that video the internet obsessed over last week. Check in each month to Spark, Sweat, Smile, Savor and Shop with us!
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